Compassion and Self-Hate, Part III

Compassion for ourselves is our primary weapon against self-hatred, according to the book Compassion and Self-Hate, by Theodore Rubin. I'd like to conclude my exploration of the book (examined earlier in Part I and Part II) by outlining Rubin's suggestions for developing compassion in oneself. His advice, in short: Treat yourself at least as well as you treat other people!

There are multiple ways to manifest self-compassion. The most direct means to counter self-hatred with compassion involves (1) recognizing or acknowledging the self-hating action or thought, (2) blocking the self-hatred in some way by taking some sort of compassionate action, and (3) surrendering one's false notion(s) of privileged status (i.e., exhibiting humility or accepting reality).

Later, Rubin lays out what he calls "compassionate psychophilosophy," a way of relating to the world and oneself from a place of benevolence and grace, which is "the very substance of acceptance of actual self on all levels and the antithesis of self-hate in any form." Some of the principal components of a compassionate psychophilosophy include the following tenets (pp. 169-189):

1. I Am Because I Am: "I exist because I exist and need no justification whatsoever for my existence. The fact of my being is enough." My identity is not predicated on any accomplishments, actions, or relationships to other people. None of these external things validate whom I am.
   
2. I Am I: This one's all about self-acceptance, which "includes all thoughts, ideas, feelings, desires, decisions, and eventually actions." All parts of oneself are compassionately embraced. It is from this place of acceptance that integration, spontaneity, growth, and change is possible.
3. I Am Where I Am: Similar to the previous supposition, this one is about being grounded in one's center. "I am the center of my world...I take myself wherever I go...I never abandon myself." True self-compassion means being whole and at home with oneself wherever one is. It is being with oneself rather than running or escaping from oneself.
   
4. Be Here Now: "I am much more interested in being than I am in becoming." The key here is presence, being fully and consciously in the moment. It is being alive and human.
   
5. The Process Is The Product: Focusing on the process, not the result, requires being in the now, thus is grounded in a solid, compassionate sense of self.

Those principles form the core of his compassionate psychophilosophy, but he also encourages us to engage in other compassionate behaviors and thoughts, such as doing one's best, accepting responsibility, acting with consistency and integrity, knowing when to say no, practicing self-assertion, and being a participant, not a performer.

All these various advisements boil down to one basic concept: love and accept one's own humanity. Quoting another book he wrote (Love Me, Love My Fool), Rubin directly points to the core need for self-acceptance of one's humanness, and I think it sums up my discussion rather well:

I must learn to love the fool in me -- the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries. he alone protects me against the utterly self-controlled masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of human aliveness, humility, and dignity, but for my fool. (p. 207)