Romantics assert that we should love everyone, including those who have trespassed against us. Love is a nebulous word, which describes a myriad of meanings and a range of emotions in all of us except the most cold-hearted. There is romantic/erotic love, which takes place between two people to bring them to wholeness and completeness. There is paternal love, which bonds us to our progeny by our need to nurture and, ultimately, share vicariously in their joys and pains. There is love of our country, church, and other organized groups that are so important to us. There is love of our family, friends, and pets, who add quality to our lives. There is love of ourselves, which is essential for developing healthy self-esteem. And, finally, there is the most difficult love of all, which is to love those antagonists in our lives who have maligned us. I believe that we all must strive to love even our detractors and forgive them even when they continue to harbor animosity against us. Since love has so many complex forms, it is useful to identify them so we can be more precise when we use that all-encompassing word. A word so malleable that we can say, with utter conviction, “Darling, I just maddeningly love my fingernail polish!”
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
shades of love
An essay by Jack Arnold...
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"I believe that we all must strive to love even our detractors and forgive them even when they continue to harbor animosity against us."
Many of my world views and life tools have been molded (if not created) by 12 Step programs (like AA). In the 12 Step model I get clear about my faulty ways of moving in the world (Steps 4-7) and then attempt to learn more effective, productive ways of doing things (Steps 8-12). In the process of being confronted with my own flaws I gain compassion for the flaws of others because I understand how much pain it causes both the harm giver and the harm receivers. The process of self forgiveness and other forgiveness become intertwined in this way. As I grow and mature I come to see that most other people are more involved in their own worlds than mine, and I can remember how painful it was for me when I tried to control a group of people to do it my way or when I was rude to someone because I felt intimidated by them or that maybe being cut off in traffic was an accident because sometimes I accidentally do that, too.
I personally prefer the concepts of empathy and compassion because I have some unpleasant associations with the word "love." It simplifies things for me to think of love as a type of wise and caring action rather than an emotion.
But love also means healthy self love, and it is not love to put myself (or others) in harm's way.
When my stepfather was dieing I acted loving by helping him with his illness, his businesses, and saying kind (Bernie Siegel) things to him on his deathbed. But I'm still glad he's dead, even 4 years later, because he'll never look at, comment on or touch my body again. Plus he was so icky to be around: so self centered, so manipulative, so incapable of seeing others as separate people. I don't hate him for his brokenness so much anymore (and it helps that I don't have fresh experiences of them anymore) but I am super glad no more people like that are in my life anymore. So that is an example of a resentment that's still not resolved, although I am not so troubled by, say, people who might be nasty to me because I know that nastyness is a symptom of brokenness, and that their brokenness is about them, not me.
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