Here's another essay from DailyOm, which I enjoy immensely. (See, also, my post on "real love" from 8.16.07)
A Warm Refuge: Best Friends
February 12, 2007
By the time we reach adulthood, many of us have had the good fortune to have at least one best friend. If we have moved around or changed our life situation repeatedly, we may be lucky enough to have had several. The best friend relationship is often our earliest intimate peer relationship, and it can be a source of great warmth and connection throughout our lives. The details of best friendship change as we grow up and grow older, but the heart of it remains the same. Our best friends are a warm refuge in which we feel free to be fully ourselves, to share our deepest secrets, to rest when we are tired, to celebrate when we are happy-a place in which we feel utterly welcome to give and receive that most precious of all gifts, love.
Most intimate relationships hit bumps from time to time, and one of the hallmarks of an enduring best friendship is its ability to ride out the turbulence and remain intact even as it faces changes. Our best friends are those who manage to love us through all of our transitions, as we do the same for them. We find ways to embrace and appreciate the differences that set us apart and offer love and support no matter what. We allow each other to be exactly as we are at a given moment, even as we allow each other to change over time. In this way, best friends sometimes feel like family. We know we will stick together regardless of where our individual paths lead.
We may be on the phone with our best friends every day, or we may not have spoken for a year, yet we know that our bond will be strong and immediate when we do connect. This bond ties us together even when we are apart and draws us blissfully back into the warm refuge of each other's company when our paths bring us together again.
1 comment:
I didn't really have any friends until age 21 when I got my first longlasting sponsor (Andrea C.). I used to get jealous of others who had emotionally loving relationships, but I've since had some of my own and seen in what ways I've honed good skills as a result of that early lack.
After years of vigorously sowing the seeds of (little "r") relationships, it took until about year 6 for it to become clear to me that I now had 2 longstanding friends, best friends (for me, although not at that time for them). Mary & Jill have been in my life for 17 years.
My other best friend, the closest and most trusted friend of my life, is Dave. In some ways it seems funny to think of him as a S.O. partner, in others it seems funny to think of him as anything else. I strongly suspect that most people with our type of relationship call themselves husband/wife. We've been in each others lives for 9.5 years now and I saw him thru a major depression/total breakdown. He saw me thru the breakup of my last emotionally abusive relationship and (it's so crazy I still feel silly even saying it) an unexpected 3 yr monogamy commitment to someone else. So you could say we have some history. I still like him, love him and respect him although I am concurrently aware of his flaws (as I'm sure he is of mine). It is very different from "the honeymoon" stage.
For most of the time we have known each other he has been the most important person in my life (including maybe half of that monogamy commitment time. I comitted to close the bedroom door, not my spirit, which is why the commitment always seemed stupid... I really am polyamorous). And now I'm working on clarifying (to myself) that he's simply the most important OTHER person in my life.
But definitely my best friend. It's good to have a Dave in my life. It makes life better. It's easier to process life and grow. He's good for me.
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